Rochester, Minn. A gathering of American moms announced that they would be giving the “you too can be president” speech to children, regardless of rationality, temperament, or obvious mental deficiencies. “I used to tell my son, ‘Study hard, behave yourself, and you too can be president,’” says local mom, Margaret Van Margaritaville. “Jesus, I’m such …
Yeah, I know this review, like every book report I ever did, is several months late. The Sports Illustrated 2016 swimsuit issue came out in March; but hey, I still haven’t even finished Mrs. Dalloway, and I was assigned that in 1991. Besides, there were other things taking up my time, like the election and …
I hear a lot of people waxing nostalgic abort the relative truthfulness of previous Republican presidents or candidates. Let’s not do that. Let’s not normalise the inveterate lying of their party by grading on a Trump curve. I know they like to point to Obama’s “keep your doctor” statement as a lie (yes, …
As a child, I procured myself a pack of novelty “onion gum,” and set out to unleash all sorts of evil on the world. My crimes against humanity hit a snag when no one would accept gum from a child not known from sharing anything other than his bodily fluids. …
Astute readers may have noticed that, while I’ve written a lot about my father, I seldom reference my mother, other than her tendency to cry when people tell her they’ve read my column. That’s because there are only two kind of stories to tell about my mother. One is the mushy, decidedly unfunny kind, like …