Rochester, Minn. A gathering of American moms announced that they would be giving the “you too can be president” speech to children, regardless of rationality, temperament, or obvious mental deficiencies.

“I used to tell my son, ‘Study hard, behave yourself, and you too can be president,’” says local mom, Margaret Van Margaritaville. “Jesus, I’m such a schmuck. Now my son can literally be the leader of the free world while being the same insufferable little narcissist he was when he was two.”

“I always thought that my son’s crude jokes against women would be a deterrent to becoming president, so I never used that speech with him,” admits Agnes DeAgnes of Montevideo. “But apparently, you can confess to sexual assault and still win Pennsylvania, so what the hell do I know?”

Minneapolis mom Freda McFreda concurs. “My son’s nine, and he behaves better on Twitter than the president. He cries and throws a fit when he doesn’t get his way, and has even gotten stupider with time. If he doesn’t become president, he could very well get a high-level cabinet job. I mean, hey, why not?”

Every mom agreed that, for the time being, the speech would still be given only to the male children. “You still have to have a penis, obviously” says McFreda. “Let’s not get carried away.”